As predicted, I did INDEED became complacent with my blog. I'm OK with that. I started reading through my posts for class, and am horribly embarrassed by the spelling and grammatical errors. (Although, if I recall correctly, I still ACED the class). I could remove them, but I like to look back on my writing and reassure myself that I am improving. Hopefully my posts this time around will become more articulate, and have an easier time expressing my ideas...
Anywho! "Lonely Hearts Season". I think I've declared every season this year that. Everyone around me has been struck with "Noah's Arc" fever; desperate to find a counter part. And I sort of feel caught in the crossfire. Whether it's being on the phone with a recently broken heart 'til the early morning hours, or the misguided object of lust for an especially lonesome fellow. What makes it all a lot funnier is that my two year-long relationship has recently met its demise. (Someone told me it had something to do with Mercury and where it's aligned... I think it's just because he couldn't pick up a phone). I can't be too much help in the relationship department. I don't feel qualified to offer advice, or good company for even temporary companionship.
Folks are just going CRAZY! All everyone wants to talk about is how they're alone, and what they're course of action is to rectify the situation. It's hard to stay interested when I'm pretty determined to be on my own, and be OK with it. I honestly don't see the point. It's a lot of unnecessary stress.
My equivalent to all of this I suppose is just missing those who have been in my life. Being home and not very social has given me a lot of time to reflect on the last couple years. I have determined several things in the relationship/friendship department:
1) More often than not, people get bored with me. At some point, I stop being an amusing caricature, and reveal myself to be just another human. I watch TV, eat food that's bad for me, and sometimes just don't feel like having "intellectual discussions". And SOMETIMES, I can't always be clever and LOUD. This disappoints a lot of people I meet, I guess. They evaporate from my life. Soon followed by my heart cracking.
2) The people I end up missing the most are the ones I've managed to always keep at arm's length. I know that I've idealized them to the point that the version of them that I think I know doesn't really exist. I am conscience of all of this, and it's OK with me. I reminisce and miss of their memory that can never disappoint me, and I'll always have a fondness for them, and pray to God that we don't ever actually meet.
3) I'm absolutely terrified to get to know someone. It's a combination of both "one" and "two". The way I disappoint people, I don't want to in turn be disappointed. And I want to always like them.
4) I can like just about anyone. And I can also alienate just about anyone. This is all done on a whim.
If I were honest with myself, I'd admit I'm just as lonely as everyone else, just maybe in a different. It's equally pathetic.
But I still haven't cried over the break-up. It's been about a month.
None of this makes sense! But, as I've declared many times before, it's Lonely Hearts Season. I can be as illogical and self-involved as I damn well please. Especially since I am using a blog as the medium to express all of this. Blogs are fueled by self-importance.
Thank you for reading, if anyone is : )
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Back after almost two years... WTF!?
So, I was sitting around the house, trapped in my own head, and my thoughts went back to freshman year at Keene State. I remembered this ridiculous class I took on blogging. The course description presented it as a class focused on gender roles. They lied... Instead, I read a TEXTBOOK on the Internet and its progression over the last decade or so. Horribly disappointed, initially. But I liked my professor, and really enjoyed the people that were (tricked as well?) in the class.
I used to keep a blog, or "online journal", when I was in middle school. Self-involvement was alllll the rage. I neglected it, and was upset when I realized that I probably wouldn't be able to archive my writings during my most angst-ridden years. (Perhaps it is better off that way). Undoubtedly history will repeat itself, and I will lose gusto for this in a matter of months. Oh well...
Very often, I get lost in my own thoughts to the point that I question my own sanity. I debate ideas and essentially converse with myself in my head. So hopefully by typing out said thoughts, I'll actually be able to progress as a human, and escape this mental imprisonment.
... TAH-DAR!
I used to keep a blog, or "online journal", when I was in middle school. Self-involvement was alllll the rage. I neglected it, and was upset when I realized that I probably wouldn't be able to archive my writings during my most angst-ridden years. (Perhaps it is better off that way). Undoubtedly history will repeat itself, and I will lose gusto for this in a matter of months. Oh well...
Very often, I get lost in my own thoughts to the point that I question my own sanity. I debate ideas and essentially converse with myself in my head. So hopefully by typing out said thoughts, I'll actually be able to progress as a human, and escape this mental imprisonment.
... TAH-DAR!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
HW 30: Scott Ritter
First of all, I left before the guy even started the question and answering portion. The first half hour the man spewed arrogance and self-righteous garbage. He opened with how he wanted it to be a dialogue; and exchange of ideas, because that's how things get accomplished. However, the man seemed ot like the sound of his own voice, more so than the potential for students to grow and learn form his experiences.
He was all about constitution, and assumed that no one in the building knew it as well as he did, or its importance.
"If you call yourselves citizens, the only legitimate hold is knowing this document".
Yeah, we know dude. The last ten years of schooling hammered that idea into our heads relentlessly.
Then he detailed the hierarchy and duties of citizens to soldiers.
"[Soldiers] defends citizens. Takes an oath to defend the constitution [from enemies] foreign and domestic".
Domestic enemies? Yes, they walk among us! As in violating the fourth amendment, "illegal search and seizure". I know this, and I know what the fourth amendment entails. However, since I am merely a college student, with no life experience, I couldn't possibly understand that. It's the next comment that pretty pushed me to split the scene:
"I'll give you a hint: open up the piece of paper and go to the fourth Amendment".
Already ahead of you, buddy!
He went on some tangent about wire-tapping and conspiracy theories, and that's when I ever so politely gave him a salute and marched out like a good citizen-soldier ought to.
Maybe I didn't give this guy enough of a chance, but I can't take someone's word seriously if they can't even fathom the idea of giving my intelligence some credit.
He was all about constitution, and assumed that no one in the building knew it as well as he did, or its importance.
"If you call yourselves citizens, the only legitimate hold is knowing this document".
Yeah, we know dude. The last ten years of schooling hammered that idea into our heads relentlessly.
Then he detailed the hierarchy and duties of citizens to soldiers.
"[Soldiers] defends citizens. Takes an oath to defend the constitution [from enemies] foreign and domestic".
Domestic enemies? Yes, they walk among us! As in violating the fourth amendment, "illegal search and seizure". I know this, and I know what the fourth amendment entails. However, since I am merely a college student, with no life experience, I couldn't possibly understand that. It's the next comment that pretty pushed me to split the scene:
"I'll give you a hint: open up the piece of paper and go to the fourth Amendment".
Already ahead of you, buddy!
He went on some tangent about wire-tapping and conspiracy theories, and that's when I ever so politely gave him a salute and marched out like a good citizen-soldier ought to.
Maybe I didn't give this guy enough of a chance, but I can't take someone's word seriously if they can't even fathom the idea of giving my intelligence some credit.
HW 30: Secret Daughter
In June Cross's documentary, "Secret Daughter", she speaks about being her mother's shame. Her mother, a white woman, had June with a black comedian Larry Cross. Even though her mother was openly friends with a lot of black people, she knew that actually having a child with one would only lead to a life of hardship for the both of them. She ended up leaving June with two of her black friends, having June come out during summer break to visit her and her new husband in LA.
The first moment June felt her mother's rejection was over a dinner.
"It began with a plate of string beans that tasted different than what I was used to".
Being so young, and unable to really understand or verbalize what she felt, she took it out on those string beans and tossed them across the room.
To this day, some of her mother's friends don't know that they are mother and daughter. Her mother always made the division between her and June very clear. One time, June tried to style her hair and different way. Her mother's response: "Why do blacks try so hard to imitate white people?".
Apparently she was oblivious to the fact that maybe this was just a common case of daughter emulating mother, not a race thing.
The documentary was very interesting, and to me eye-opening. And couldn't believe the racial division that people to this day still hold in their hearts. Hopefully a change will come and work like this of Cross will in a catalyst for that change.
The first moment June felt her mother's rejection was over a dinner.
"It began with a plate of string beans that tasted different than what I was used to".
Being so young, and unable to really understand or verbalize what she felt, she took it out on those string beans and tossed them across the room.
To this day, some of her mother's friends don't know that they are mother and daughter. Her mother always made the division between her and June very clear. One time, June tried to style her hair and different way. Her mother's response: "Why do blacks try so hard to imitate white people?".
Apparently she was oblivious to the fact that maybe this was just a common case of daughter emulating mother, not a race thing.
The documentary was very interesting, and to me eye-opening. And couldn't believe the racial division that people to this day still hold in their hearts. Hopefully a change will come and work like this of Cross will in a catalyst for that change.
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