I just want to be able to stand on solid ground.

I have too much going on right now to worry about affection. I've been duking it out with Financial Aid, haven't packed a darn thing, and still require books. But I am distracted. The one aspect of my life that could be neglected is plaguing my mind, constantly. My hope for this post is to try to map out the jumbled mess in my head, and hopefully get satisfaction from at least going through the motions of being transparent and honest to an audience. As a warning, this will just be a slew of incoherent, raw whining. This is mainly for me, and possibly the entertainment of whoever might read this. Pardon the typos and grammatical errors...

Historically speaking, I am not the most romantic person. Any boy that has held the position of "boyfriend" in my life has at most been a glorified friend. (That I make-out with). I always anticipated the relationship ending, and never got too bent out of shape over it. (But to be fair, this is in retrospect, and I could possibly have forgotten that I was devastated). I have remained friendly with almost anyone I have shared myself with, on any level. And honestly, I take a lot of pride in that fact. It's easy to part ways with someone and remain amicable with them when you didn't really take any emotional risk.

Enter Dominic. Dominic was/is, on the surface, everything my parents would describe as an acceptable partner, and everything I spent the majority of my adolescence avoiding. He was well-spoken, well-dressed, well-mannered, and attended church. He also possessed a sense of humor similar to my own, was outdoorsy, humble, enthusiastic about everything in Life, patient, and reminded me of everything that was comforting from my childhood. (Even some aspects that are a little destructive). He was the perfect storm for my own personal heartache. When I was with him, I could be as sloppy, silly, boring, moody, and stupid as I wanted to be. My triumphs and happiness in Life was multiplied with his presence. I wasn't afraid to share anything and everything with him. The only problem was that in the two years I was with him, I don't think he ever really wanted to evolve with me, but rather mold me into something else. (Does that make sense???). When we finally parted ways, I never have felt so foolish in my life. It was like that "LOVE THING" that movies/music/books glorify was just a big practical joke on me, and I was emotionally punched in the face.

Please don't get it twisted: all of that was not written to gain sympathy. I understand almost everyone has to have this happen to them once, at least. I am no one special. But right now, I DON'T LIKE IT.

Months have gone by, and I can honestly say I hardly think about him. It sort of worries me that someone I once claimed I was ready to spend the rest of my mortal days with could disappear from my consciousness so easily. Am I really that heartless? Or just really good at self-preservation?

What's even MORE CRAZY is when I started developing affection for someone else. I didn't compare him to Dominic, because GOD WILLING, he WON'T be Dominic. Our dynamic CAN'T play out the same way. That time has passed. I constantly go back and forth on whether or not this is a good idea. I'm not sure if this is just misguided affection out of loneliness, lust, or a genuine connection. I'm insanely paranoid if even the suggesting to pursue anything would be unfair to him, me, or the both of us. But I guess I really, really want to.

I have admittedly been vague with him, and ultimately unfair. Out of exhaustion and fear residual from my break-up with Dominic. God bless him, he still wants to at least communicate with me. I'm finally ready to give this, "Us" a serious try. Because no matter how infuriated he, the situation, my feelings for him make me, I'm still incredibly diggin' him/it. Unfortunately, he has in turn become vague and cautious with him. Rightfully so, but I hate when I feel like I have no control over a situation. Or at least can clearly see the possible outcomes.

The most unfair part about this "dating garbage" is that you can never foresee anything. You have to just jump in. And I'm a wuss.

The end... : )